How many kids do you have?

I've really been facing the same question for almost 16 years. I think it's time I went with the answer that feels right in my heart rather than with the one I think makes people more comfortable.

16 years ago in June, my youngest brother, Keith, died in a car accident. It was a bright, sunny morning. He hadn't been drinking or anything like that. He was just driving on a twisting, turning country road to see a friend. Maybe he was distracted by a dog running in front of him. Maybe he was going a little too fast. We'll never know. But he slammed into a tree on the side of the road...and he wasn't wearing a seat belt. He died instantly.

Keith was the youngest of my three brothers -- 5 1/2 years younger than me. He was barely 21 years old when he died. He was still living at home with my parents, and he was going to the local community college, training to be a policeman. He was a good kid... a real peacemaker. Thankfully, he was also a Christian. My mom was only 45 when he was killed (just a few years older than I am now), and his death changed my parents' lives forever.

Keith was one of the 3 brothers who grew up with me. As real as you or me. A major part of my life even though I left for college, (and then marriage, and then life in China...) when I was still 16, and he was only 12. Yet when people ask how many brothers I have, I always hesitate. I always stop to consider whether I should answer 2 or 3. If I say 2, I feel I'm denying my brother's existence. If I say 3, I feel like I need to explain... and that the explanation will probably cause people to be uncomfortable.

For almost 16 years I have never answered that question without pausing to wonder what I should say.

And now there is Nathan.

It's been 8 1/2 months since my baby son Nathan Jeremy died. He was only 6 lbs. (almost), and he died the day before he was born. Some people think it must not feel the same as losing an "actual child" would feel. Well, I can only say that Nathan is just as real to me as Keith is. 21 years here walking around on this earth.... or 8 months kicking and hiccuping inside of a womb... it doesn't seem to really matter. Life is life, and love is love. I doubt God sees a difference.

And for 8 1/2 months I have faced the question, "How many kids do you have?"

Now this has long been an interesting question for me anyway. Given the fact that I have so many children, people have always seemed awestruck with my answer, even back when it was a "lowly" number like 5 or 6 -- or they might be dumbfounded, amazed, befuddled, or terrified, depending on who is doing the asking and their perspective! ;-)

But now the question seems like a test of sorts. Is Nathan as much my child as my others? Did his short life mean anything? Is a baby inside his mother a real baby? Well, of course, he is.

Then don't I have to count him in my total number of children?

But some people say (well-meaning people, I'm sure) that including Nathan in the "kid count" would be awkward for the listener. It would draw undue attention to myself and my grief. It would necessitate a lengthy explanation. It would make others sad as they remember their own losses.

I have solved the issue when I am talking with people online by including Nathan in my signature:


Red-Headed Mom to 9 great kids here on earth...
...and 1 precious son waiting for us in heaven...


I even include the 3 babies I have lost to miscarriages sometimes, depending on the situation. (After "1 precious son," I add in "and 3 surprises".... (And that's a whole different issue, isn't it? Such a painful topic for so many moms.)

But I can't very well walk around town reciting my "signature" at the end of all of my conversations... or even when I am asked the big question concerning how many children I have. I know I can't... because I've tried. Maybe some people could do it gracefully, but for me, that beautiful long description of my kids is just **too** long and, yes, too awkward and attention-grabbing.

And yet, Nathan is my son, too. As Keith is my brother.

And so I am deciding now that when I am asked this difficult question, I will answer with the simple truth. There is no need for long explanations. There is no need to be sad or teary. There is no need to feel guilty that they don't know the whole truth. After all, does anyone?

But there is a need to testify to the sacredness and specialness of life. Just because my son and my brother are living in heaven does not mean they are any less my son and my brother.

Therefore, from this moment forward, I will proudly and matter-of-factly reply that I have 3 brothers.

And yes, I most definitely have 10 children.


Blessings,

Kim


5/6/08 -- ETA (Edited to Add).... I was rereading this post tonight, and I was convicted that some people might find that last comment (about having "10 children") wrong and even hurtful. It certainly might seem strange and perhaps contradictory to some of the main points in this note.

I do firmly believe I have 13 children -- nine here on earth with me at this time, and four waiting for us in heaven. One of the four in heaven now is our son, Nathan Jeremy, and the other three will be (as I mentioned above) "surprises" to us. Maybe they will be boys, maybe girls, maybe (shock of all shock... drumroll, please...) they will be **redheads** like me!!!

However, my husband (though a devoted Christian) is not completely sure that all early miscarried babies are actually living souls in heaven, so I respect his right to this view and do not include these three children in my official, "spoken "count" of kids. My husband wishes he could believe the way I do, but even if that never happens for him on earth, I do look forward to the day that he is happily surprised and blessed in heaven to meet his other children.

To those of you who have experienced the loss of babies through miscarriage, my heart goes out to you. I pray you find peace and healing in the hands of our Father. Truly, He is the God of all comfort. My pain is softened when I think of my babies in the arms of the One who made them and loves them so much. What a wonderful place heaven will be for you when you see Jesus... and your babies!

Blessings,

Kim